Lifestyle & Advise, Uncategorized

Up Close And Personal -Toxic Relationships

Hi all,

First things first, it’s taken a lot of courage to be able to speak in such detail about such a hard time in my life. This is not a pity story but I think it’s important for young girls like me to understand the importance for taking care of their mental health and knowing what’s best for them. I hope that this will somehow touch someone around the world or at least someone may be able to relate. 4 years have passed since these incidents, so please understand that I was not as wise as I am now and I have grown as woman from these experiences.

At the age of 16, I met my first boyfriend. I will not mention his name. Some of you reading this may know who he is, some may not, but for the sake of this post we will call him Bobby. So Bobby was the typical bad boy, always in trouble, always showing off, everyone was scared of him. And of course at a young age this is attractive. I’m not sure what on earth I was thinking. I was basically allowing trouble into my life, but whatever. I liked it and he was mine. May I add that Bobby in no way was a horrible person when I first met him. He was charming, always smiling and cheerful so I had no idea that the relationship was going to go wrong.

The most toxic thing about this relationship to start with, was that it was always about who cared less. Whoever didn’t care made the other feel sad and needy and therefore had the power. This is not how a relationship should be, you should both be a team and both work together to become a happy couple. 

Now, I don’t know about you girls but I’m needy. I need to feel loved, I need to be appreciated. This is what most women want in a relationship. We would always argue and bicker more like enemies than friends. He would do something disrespectful. He would always leave. I would feel needy and then blame myself for his mistakes. And then – BAM he would be back in my life.

It was always that needy feeling that would allow him back after he had done something wrong. My love for him was more than myself. And that’s where I made my biggest mistake; he knew his power so his mistakes only grew worse.

No one wants to get cheated on, and being so young you cannot expect a young boy to keep his tinky in his pants but of course it still hurt. I would constantly be ringing girls off of his phone asking who they were. Giving a lot of energy into protecting what I thought was mine. But honestly who wants someone that doesn’t want to be with you and only you? The funniest thing about this was that all these girls knew who I was but still wanted Bobby? But to be fair I was disrespecting myself just as much as them by allowing him back in my life time after time. I reckon from beginning to end of the 2-3 years he cheated on me with around 5 different girls, and every time I took him back. All because he would say he would change and I believed him, even after the 6th time. And this went on for about a year. This alone (even if it happens once) is enough to walk away from a man. Rule number one ladies, if you have to compete with another female he is not worth your time!

So let’s talk about when things got physical.​ I don’t clearly remember what the argument was about but it involved a lot of shouting and screaming. We had both said things that we didn’t mean, called each other names and probably crossed a line that shouldn’t of been crossed. In the end I switched my phone off for an hour to calm down. When I finally switched my phone back on I saw a text from Bobby with him asking me to go to his house to talk. Of corse I went. I had already forgiven him for the argument by this time deep down – as usual ready to accept him back into my life. I took a cab to his house and called him when I was outside. All I remember from that point was him opening the door, something being poured over my head and I couldn’t see anything. 

Luckily, a lady saw me in the street and helped me out. She called the police and they dropped me home. Of corse I didn’t press charges because I already knew deep inside that I would forgive him EVEN after such a terrible thing had happened to me. Even after I had found out that what he had poured on me was bleach and eggs, I still wanted to be with him. I thought ‘maybe he was just angry’, ‘I shouldn’t of got him so angry’.

I know by this point you’re thinking that I’m stupid. But did you know 60% of women have been in abusive relationships & it takes in average around 6 times for them to leave their partner.

So the abuse went on from there. He would lock me in rooms, drag me around by my hair, punch holes in my walls and smash things, spit on me & shut my hands in doors on purpose. He would also put weapons to himself and threaten to kill himself and them blame me.

And it was not only physical abuse he would call me ugly all the time, threaten to punch me if I did anything wrong and constantly put me down about myself. But still, my need for him was more than my love for myself. It wasnt the physical abuse that kept me around for so long.
He drove me to the worst time in my life. I hated myself, I thought no one would want to be with me, and I just didn’t understand why the man I wanted to be with, treated me this way. Maybe there was something wrong with me? Maybe I deserved this? 

It took a good 3-4 years, until one day I woke up and said no. Even if it meant being alone, I wanted to be happy. It hurt a lot to detach from Bobby. But after all the pain he put me through it made me so so strong. I finally understood that how other people treat me is nothing to do with me, it was all about them.
Now I don’t want anything but the best in my life. I would never put myself through such things. I have nothing but peace and good people around me. And I value them all more than ever because of my past.
And best of all I have found new love. My current boyfriend of just over a year is the purest most beautiful soul I have ever met and yes we argue sometimes but all couples do. He understand me and listens and I wouldn’t change a thing about him.

So to any young girl who is in a abusive relationship. I know it is not easy, but you need to love yourself. Why settle for someone who hurts you when you can have someone who loves even your flaws? This life is yours to live and you need to live it to the best standard. Be picky about who you give your energy to. Stand on your own 2 feet and be strong. And my heart goes out to you all. I’ve been in your shoes and I got through it and so can you.
Put your safety, yourself and your family first. Talk to someone about it. Believe in yourself. If Young Kaylar from little London can, so can you!

If you feel like there’s no one to turn to please call: 0808 200 0247 and they will listen. It’s a 24 hr helpline and I’ve called them in the past!

2 thoughts on “Up Close And Personal -Toxic Relationships”

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